Earlier I contemplated and did the dishes to Setherial’s “Nord”, then I contemplated and folded laundry to Mayhem’s “Daemon” album. Next up was their prior album “Esoteric Warfare”. Sordid history aside that name has graced some pretty iconic music in extreme circles. Fitting. Later while I contemplated dinner was cooked to the sweet sounds of Kvalvaag and Svartelder. I’m so fucking hardcore.

I don’t know what other people think about while folding their towels or cleaning their kitchens but it probably isn’t suicides and sadly there likely isn’t any black metal soundtracking it either. The jumper is essentially on repeat right now. It’s cyclical. Sometimes I do a better job staying grounded than others, and the anticipation of doing this TRP2 program isn’t helping with that. I feel like I have spent the last 4 years learning how to feel but not freak out about it and how to chill when I do and now it’s time to apply the knowledge. My lungs feel smaller lately. Seems talking about the blood wasn’t feelings. Sucks because I got really good at that part. I was annoyed after working up the courage to talk at all but I see now why my psychologist kept stopping me every time I started on about the blood. I’m the only fool here once again. He’s right. Why that one? It’s not as if there weren’t others.

My wife is also quite ill again. I’m feeling really overwhelmed and sad. She has done so much to help me I just wish I could do something to help her not be in such pain. I’m tired of pain. Seriously. It would be really nice to take a vacation from her stupid colon and my stupid head for her sake. Preferably at the same time.