How am I to see things from a point of view I don’t have? If I’m being honest it feels like a betrayal of my values. Vague late-night accusations in messages that are now being refused to be discussed, even in further messages? Am I to believe the threat isn’t real from the known actions of his health care? Was it ever real? Cold fucking comfort right now. My thoughts don’t differentiate and that dream the other night didn’t either. How will I be able to approach and converse with him when I keep seeing him as ‘patient zero’ now, and myriad others? “But He didn’t” is another mantra for my own cracking head. There’s a lot of anger hiding my fear, my hurt, my feelings of betrayal, my bewilderment at it all. No fights. No disagreements. No declarations. No real lead-up. Nothing to work with or through. Just grief for what is gone, anger at what could have been and helplessness over what now is. What the absolute fuck is this shit?