I feel like I’ve gone from trying to outrun life to watching it pass me by while I sit here vibrating with pointless kinesis. I was proud of being useful by doing something most found difficult to impossible. I was proud of applying that constitution to other aspects of my life. Yet, I felt that way about sitting at their desks and working in their warehouses to be honest. How do you just sit or stand there, sober, for all that time doing the mundane? I still don’t know. All I know is I want to mute my mind and now I have to sit still and leave it on. Why does everything I should be able to do have to feel so overwhelming? I’m exhausted from struggling just to participate in being here. It’s really hard to see this is where I’m still at and not look at it as having “blown it”.

Another fuck that’s wrong with me is I’m afraid of saying I can’t do something reasonable because I’m afraid of failure and being a disappointment. When I can’t do it others struggle to pick up the slack I’m leaving behind. How am I to be okay with doing that to them?

For better or worse I’m trying the best I can and I’m learning to be proud of that regardless of results. However, I don’t think the difficulty of being okay with the nature of the reality of that ever goes away.