Giving TRE a chance was a big deal for me. It came along at a time when I was once again at that proverbial wall in my journey. It seemed kind of new-agey hokey but at the same time it made physiological sense so a trial was scheduled after an online conference presentation. The worst that could happen was nothing. What happened was far from it. I believe my words were along the lines of “I wasn’t merely blown away, I was moved to tears. This is the missing calm I never thought I could have again”.

As I/we have learned (my wife has lovingly accompanied me on this journey as well) the physical nature of trauma and the effect it has is substantial. I was always tense, jumpy, twitchy, shaking my legs, squirming in my seat; the general discomfort one feels in their body was all there. After that first session it stopped. I sat there on the floor and cried. It had been years since I felt that calm. This was the elusive dragon I was chasing with booze and drugs. This was the missing part. The alarm system could once again be turned off. The bush I’m beating around is hope. This was one of those things that gave me some.

As the lessons progressed it was like my body was learning this all as a motor-memory. The more I did TRE the quicker the tremoring started and more and more of my body was becoming engaged with each session. It has become natural, to the point that when I begin a full session or do quick activations my body knows and begins tremoring almost instantly. While both are useful it’s the quick activations that I have leaned on heavily, especially the wall-sit and modified wall-sit as I can do those with limited time or before appointments to settle the jitters. The full session is fantastic and relaxing but I find that works better for me when it’s guided, almost like a meditation. When I have done it on my own it still works well but I end up speeding up the process quite a bit and my mind still races so it loses some of the meditative qualities.

The quick activations have been especially helpful with exposure therapy. I meet with an OT weekly to do workplace exposure and between the anxiety from that and the drive there I was usually pretty wound up. Now when I arrive I do a quick wall-sit (or modified depending if I could park near the wall) and it lowers my starting baseline nicely. When I start the appointment I don’t feel like I already had it. One of the things I noted at these appintments was that in the past when I would start shaking with anxiety it would compound the symptoms and I would chastise myself for letting my anxiety get the best of me. A few months back when I had started sitting in the back of an ambulance for exposure I realized that when I started shaking it wasn’t making me feel more anxious; it actually felt kind of normal and helpful instead, and I was able to lean into it to help with the nervous energy rather than being afraid of it and seeing the shaking as a further loss of control. Following these appointments I would suffer what I dubbed the “OT hangover”. Two or three days of exhaustion and fatigue with physical tension. Now that I do TRE pre-appointment, don’t fight the shaking during my appointment and do some tremoring when I get home if anything is lingering the hangover is all but gone. Days of recovery have turned into an hour or two at most. While my workplace can still wind me up same as always it doesn’t seem impossible to go back to some modified work anymore knowing that I can get rid of whatever comes up when it comes up.

The other big thing that initially drew me to TRE was that it didn’t involve talking in the therapy or support group sense. One can do TRE, reap the benefits and not have to speak a single word about trauma or feelings. This seems especially helpful for those who are either acutely anxious or have a build-up but aren’t ready to talk and need some help managing symptoms. I have noticed anyway that talk therapy has also become easier as well for the same reasons as the exposure therapy appointments. It’s easier to bring up difficult feelings and memories knowing I don’t have to carry the physical effects of talking about and reliving those things for days afterword.

TRE has been a so-called game changer for me. Being able to cope with and release the anxiety I was either avoiding triggering altogether or drugging has been huge. I’m not as afraid of my anxiety anymore, and I’m making progress putting it back in its place when it does get out. The world doesn’t feel as impossible to navigate anymore even if I am doing it through different lenses. Overall I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been in a long time. TRE is the missing physical component of trauma recovery for me, and it has helped stop all these physical symptoms from feeling so foreign and unmanageable to someone who long ago was far calmer than he is now.