Turns out I’ll never be disappointed in myself for not drinking. Beyond a couple of cream liquer coffees that may have a tablespoon or two of weak booze in them I haven’t drank any alcohol this holiday season. It’s not as if I wasn’t telling myself it would be okay and keeping a long mental list of justifications but getting too chummy with beer again earlier in the year began with justifying some ‘innocent’ holiday consumption last year. As the holidays wind down I can’t deny that not socializing played a role but I still don’t think it would have been overly different anyway. Alcohol became the TV remote for my mind. It changed channels and volumes. Then the batteries started dying and so much had been spilled on the remote I had to push the buttons more often or for longer to get them to work. Ultimately it stopped working and I got stuck on one channel that had been turned up to maximum. Terrified and exhausted I finally asked for a new remote.

I would like to say I figured out how to turn off the TV but that’s not the case. The new remote is being worked in and learned but there’s still no power button. The new one doesn’t need it though. It comes with family to lean on. It comes with writing. It comes with music. It comes with a pair of coveralls and gloves and a thrift store stereo component to fix. It comes with colouring. It comes with a diffuser and calming aromas. It comes with reading. It comes with cooking.

I have a lot of feelings to catch up on. It was always harder to deal with a call when there were family and friends having feelings on scene. I am often haunted by the scream of a mother echoing from an apartment above as we approached her mangled teenaged son on the ground 17 floors below her. But it’s okay that I’m upset by this and the myriad of experiences I had as a paramedic. I don’t know if I’ll ever have more but if I do I now know they’re my experiences too and it’s okay to have feelings about them. In fact, I’m supposed to.

Triggers can be ridden out and feelings can be had… crazy.

Cheers to healing.