I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I would love an easy, explanatory phrase or label, but unlike saying I have the crazies when my feelings and perceptions are at odds with the situation, I have no words for this when I should. It’s everything and nothing, all at once. It makes me angry how feelings always have this duality of sheer intensity combined with utter helplessness. I don’t think I’ll ever learn how to feel feelings in a truly healthy way. I’m trying so hard not to let these feelings turn into rage and depression the way feelings usually do when I can’t fathom feeling anything else but know I have to feel something. I’m really struggling. 

My 86 year old father survived a major heart attack so he could stay alive to struggle with leukemia. He watched breast cancer kill my mother. Why is this how it goes down?