Sometimes I want to wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes, however, I wish it would leave. Low-hanging fruit never tastes as good as it does when you’re avoiding doing what you should. 

I’m seeing an old friend tomorrow. 2 actually, but one has been over 8 years. They’re a previous long-term work partner and a long-term supervisor. I occasionally message my old partner, and a few days ago she reached out to ask about breakfast. I replied with a quick yes, and the details got sorted out. Then came time for the plans to sit in my little old ridiculous head. I held this supervisor in very high regard; I eventually thought of him as “work dad”, though I never said that to him. He seemed all that my own father was not. He retired before I started struggling.

As I got worse I fell out of touch, humiliated at the thought of facing coworkers I respected as the failure I saw myself becoming, knowing they’ve all gone through the same shit as me but that they possessed the strength to persevere and get on with things rather than breaking inside and running away like I had. I saw him once soon after going off work and facing him with the shame of what I had done became too much to repeat. So I never did.

Until a few days ago. The wording is intentional but far from current. That’s literally how I felt then. I still fight off those feelings. It doesn’t feel right to be in the same position as someone who worked their whole career.

Now it seems more like the real crazies were my evolving new perceptions of old souls who weren’t the ones that had actually changed. I had, and how I saw myself did. It’s hard to trust someone who’s always misleading you, but in this case I have to keep trying to. 

I look forward to a good day.