Done a lot of thinking about change. Strange how something supposedly normal causes such strife. It’s also weird how most folks expect to change everything and everyone around them rather than themselves, despite the obvious flaw in the logic. Sometimes I don’t feel like I know anyone who can accept something for what it is instead of critically seeing it as what they think it should be, despite all the “is what it is”’s and “what will be will be”’s and whatnot. Maybe that’s the kind of stuff you say when trying to change something or someone doesn’t work and you don’t want to admit to your failure.

I have the opposite problem. It is what it is but I’m not what I am. I often loathe what I cannot change about myself, making acceptance of myself near impossible. I hate the startle, but I try to laugh at it now. I hate driving, but I’m slowly learning to depersonalize and see the threat as false. I hate when I feel too threatened to enjoy being out. I hate seeing the frustration when I miss what was said or asked, and I also hate being ignored and shushed over my inability to navigate a tech infected life with my archaic old-school verbal conversation. I hate the anger that always seems to come from every feeling, to this day. I hate the instant panic and dread that stirs in my gut every time I hear a siren. I hate the sadness and fighting the feelings of failure when I see reminders of my former level of functionality and profession that I could not maintain or stay a part of. I think I always will. Something about a mental health injury leaves me feeling like I should have done something differently, I should have known better. I should have been able to just swallow it and not let it take over and change me. 

I should also be able to just accept it all, right? All I can really change is the way I see myself. Some get it all back; I’m not one of them, and that’s going to have to be okay.

I know it will be. It’s moving year after all.