Most mornings when I sit down with my coffee I have to cancel all the dumb shit I bought on amazon the night before while I was laying in bed being impulsive to avoid thinking. Music I don’t need to buy. Electronic bits and pieces I don’t actually need for anything I’m currently working on. A box of gloves because they were green instead of blue. Gifts for the sake of gifts that people don’t actually need or want. Band shirts I can’t fit in my closet. $30 a week drinking bubly. The candy and junk food that was always a good deal that I could save even more money buying multiples of.

I cleaned the bathroom this morning. I did the dishes. The dog has been walked. Twice. I was greeted by sirens as I went out with her. Twice. I cleaned cat shit up off the floor in front of the litterbox because the box isn’t enough. Cats. I showered and shaved. I didn’t once look for things I could buy.

However, the one expense I can’t bring myself to give up or even decrease is weed. I try to curb my other spending when that increases amidst whatever crises I can’t currently handle but at the end of the day I just plain can’t handle my shit without it, to the point I’m still compelled to hoard it even though it’s readily available up the street nowadays.

A big reason I get high so much is because this is the best I can do and that makes me angry and sad. I’m always going to be that scared lost little boy that buckles because he doesn’t know how to cope. If it’s truly not my fault and I really shouldn’t be angry with myself over the results what else am I to do with that?

What do I wish I could be when I grow up WSIB lady?

Normal. No more dysfunctional mental states or ‘privileged’ problems. No more anger. No more panic. No more medications. Sleep. The damages undone. To go back to the career I trained for and actually liked before I got sick. To have everyone see me as who I used to be instead of this. In other words, nothing realistic.

Until next time keep hope and stay committed. I’m so sorry. I wish I could do better, but it will get better. I promise.