An adolescent project in faith I never should have abandoned.

I’m an idiot. I trusted others when they spoke and believed they listened when I did. It’s this weird paradox where I’m supposed to honour myself while also accepting that that doesn’t mean a fucking thing to most others. Don’t be cynical, don’t give up on pointlessness and change your fucking attitude about it all or we’re outta here. I’ve spent my life inviting, playing with and attempting to thwart destruction. I just want to create. Why do I always have to land on the third side of the coin?

Was chicken little wrong for singing that song about the sky that’s been falling all along? Teardrops keep falling on my pain, teardrops keep driving me insane, take more pills to stop the emo rain hoping one day I’ll be normal again. For now I’m just another angel of insanity, panhandling for notoriety. Who needs sums of money when the company is free? Golly gee, another inadequacy, humiliate the reprobate for not using your fucking adding machine. The worst part of all is that I bought into believing only to be left spiritually bleeding, exsanguinated of meaning. Everywhere I turn is just someone else scheming. Stuck in a frenzy, burnt by a memory, third side of the coin, always landing on dependency. I’m not playing along because I can’t see through, I’m playing along because I know I have to. Sick to my stomach and what do I get from it? Thanks for trying but it wasn’t worth the sum of it.

My psychologist asked me what would make me truly happy when we last spoke. Creating. Taking my family to the lake to play with the dog and training the dog. Making jokes at dinner with my kids and watching my wife roll her eyes. Geeking out with my music and thrift shop audio equipment collection. Having the calm to go back to the reading I had actually started doing again.

I want the peace to have the time to figure that next step out. 4 months ago I was still planning to work for toronto ems. That had never not been the plan. I don’t know where I went wrong. I’m too chaotic to change that fast. I accept that. I can’t face having to spend the next twenty years being forced to make myself sick over and over again to prove a pointless point I could solve on my own if given the time.

The list takes longer than the things to do. Until next time stay fucking recovered and stuff.