Starting the computer course is really showing me just how much of my life I spend in a state of unfocused anxiety. I thought I was doing okay but it seems adding 4 hours of focus to my week is proving quite difficult and is feeling near impossible. I keep finding myself tearing up or actually crying. I’m not sad but I’m frustrated and overwhelmed and it’s trying to make me sad. Is this it, the best I can do intellectually with new input? I think I may need to increase the prozac script again and see what I can do then. I’m doing my best to not shit on myself and accept that this all is what it is but it’s been a long way down. The ball isn’t really bouncing much and I have to be okay with that and deal with what it means.

These days are hard. I didn’t go to the grocery store for vegetables. I haven’t cleaned the kitchen. I didn’t do any school work. The weed store has my second-favourite vape back in stock finally but I haven’t gone there either. The dog still needs her licence. I still need to phone the dentist. I have to dig my tax returns out for WSIB. I haven’t reached out to the tutors again. The basement is still a big mess. I need a dinner plan soon.

I just want to hide.

But… I walked the dog. Twice. I did some laundry. I’m sitting in the yard with the dog instead of hiding in the house. I’m writing instead of getting angry and shutting down. I’m learning to be okay with me.

I’m struggling so much because I care, but I have to accept that that alone doesn’t always move mountains.