I often lean to the negative and angry on here; this is what I have the most trouble dealing with and processing. It feels so righteous but that’s part of its toxicity, like the illusions of drug use and drinking built by the better times when they still worked. Which is what led to this.

I started computer training this week, specifically word perfect, or ‘word’ as it’s now known. It hasn’t been idyllic but I haven’t entirely avoided it. I intended to do some more work today but my WSIB case manager called. I cried a little. I don’t handle spontaneity well. There may be some connection to getting “calls” at work, which were literally given over a phone that rang until big tech kicked in, but I’m no Freud so call anytime folks.

Derail number one. Seems I forgot to return my “earnings questionnaire” this year with my taxes, etc. This is submitted annually so they can make sure they’re the only ones paying you and that you’re not a cheat. My current case manager actually questioned the income reported from my current employer in 2021. How can I be off work and working for the same employer you ask? You can’t. The contractual top-ups by my employer that cover my pension and benefit contributions while I am off work still get reported as income for tax return purposes. So when this person calls about taxes, or anything for that matter, my panties immediately knot as every time I have interacted with her her lack of attention has led to her trying to call me out only to end up proven wrong. Every time. This is only my life and her shitty disinteresting job but I’m obviously the one screwing shit up. I digress. See? Anger and frustration everywhere.

I returned the call expecting a conversation and got her answering machine. Now I spend the day waiting to see if she calls back or not. I wasted my entire morning doing basically nothing except pacing anxiously and worrying about this. I showered to calm myself before returning her call. That was what I managed to accomplish.

Then late morning the instructor from the computer school called to check in as I had not logged on today yet. Or yesterday for that matter as I had appointments. Seems the school thinks I’ll be interacting with them on a daily basis during “school hours” and I’m obviously falling short of that. Pressure. They’re all going to think I’m an asshole and I’m already screwing the course up. Fantastic. I took the pup for a walk hoping for a reset. Not exactly but improved. A bit after I sat down and cried a little again. That service pup-in-training came over and nuzzled me and got me petting her and paying attention to her and not my stupid head. I feel better but I don’t know that I’ll be opening the computer now today. I’ve also made the decision that I won’t be answering the phone either. I can’t do it. Overload. Shut down. The dog is napping and I needed to write. I’ll put what’s left in me into planning and making a meal for dinner and at least do something useful today for someone.

Burn out trying and fearing or feel like an asshole for standing up to it. We’re all the same in the eyes of the insane. Just another day in the life.

Until next time, stay recovered!