Why did you make me so small? Why did you make everything fundamentally pointless while simultaneously giving it all the weight of the world? What does that turn of phrase even mean relative to something that generates it’s own concept of mass anyway? Why did you design yourself, and in turn us, to fall apart? Does the grasp of concept and will make you controllable? If your constitution can neither be created nor destroyed where do you go? Where does energy end? What envelops infinity?

I’m seeking transcendence of the intellectual prison not seen as such by many. Look into the abyss. The darkness of the heart envelops humanity, the snake successfully eating its tail. Entropy. Do I believe waving some burning shit around and mumbling unintelligable latin syllables from under a dark hood to someone else’s imagination will allow me to control the universal aether of existence? No. Wisdom lays not in illusion, for projecting and playing with illusion does nothing true for the self.

True questions, not disguised accusations intonated to appear as such, are for me more spiritual than a convicted answer, which I don’t believe any of us truly have anyway. How can such knowledge without context be ours? How can we not keep asking and looking? We have only ever been able to describe the unknown relative to experience and knowledge, so any such human explanation of non-human matters will be nothing more than that, a coagulum of what was known, experienced and explainable at the time. If no updated frame of reference is ever applied then the so-called answer becomes archaic and unapplicable, a fossil of its time. Past peoples wouldn’t even have the context to describe modern humans to each other let alone the context to answer that ageless burning inquiry, a context we still don’t have, so what makes them right to so many? What makes the accounts of a past that involve rejecting the past of their own times so bulletproof?

The wealth of industry behind the current answers. Follow the money, Murdoch.

I was doing TRE before my OT appointment the other day and like often happens when I do I had a realization. I came to appreciate just how much arrogance and cynicism are intertwined, at least in me. Be it left or right my tongue is always planted firmly in cheek, and this whole PTSD thing has given me time and reason to keep it there. Where do I go from here? I feel like I keep staring at the truth but I can’t find the answer in it. Fight convention, restore order. Nothing left to do but ask backward-focused forward-thinking questions. *insert maniacal laughter here*

I’m afraid of loss and thus also afraid to gain. Until next time, stay recovered!