Did my employer offer mental health services? No. For some of my tenure there was a staff psychologist but it just seemed at the time that if he didn’t come with cookies in the aftermath the call wasn’t that “bad”. There was an EAP program but they were limited to 8 sessions and ill-prepared when my wife reached out, not knowing how to help. The Canadian Mental Health Association didn’t know either, and the Ontario Paramedic Association didn’t respond to my wife when she reached out to them. Were there suitable resources available? Sort of, if you could speak with folks you knew on peer support, none of whom were obviously professional or able to diagnose and treat if necessary. Did anyone approach me about what I was hiding? No. Because I was hiding, afraid of my own perceived incompetence. R2MR and that acuity card that told me I was already “angry red” all the time came along. Too late for me, drink up and stay the course. That’s what the old-timers did. Helpers don’t ask anyway.

Does anyone reach out? Unless they’re a personal friend not often, and it seems prescribed. Am I disappointed? Ultimately yes, but moreso in some individuals I thought I was more personable with and not in a personifying-the-organization sense. Should there be more resources? Absolutely. Do we need to shift our own culture to one of more vulnerability and acceptance? Absolutely. Should this be taught and stressed in college as much as physical health or driving conservatively were? Absolutely. Should we stop with this stupidity of seeing exhaustion and cynicism as paying dues and status symbols? Absolutely.

Did I ever share that I was struggling, drinking and drugging all the time and taking whatever I could get to try to sleep? No. Did I ever admit to crying between calls, hiding in hospital washrooms or the ambulance outside? No. Did I reach out? Not until it was almost too late and the burden fell squarely in my wife’s lap. Did I ever call anyone on peer support? No. Did I think myself impervious? Yes. Did I dismiss mental health and feelings as important? Yes. Was I angry? Yes. Was I afraid to ask for help? Fuck yes. No one wants to partner with the unstable and unable. Did I think I could manage it on my own? Yes. Did I see it as my choice? Yes. I chose to be there. It was everything I ever wanted after all.

Did anyone approach me about my unpaid sick time? No. This is the one I do hold on to. Despite my excuses in the moment, it should not have been only a financial and numbers game I played too well. The pattern was there.

When I visit my work with my OT I don’t feel animosity toward the service or people but rather the city it and they serve. I enjoy seeing people I worked with and they genuinely seem happy to see me haunting those places once again too. In a brief moment of eye contact “I survived” gets communicated and they respond non-verbally in turn by saying “I know all too well”.

Who’s to blame? Who’s shaking the fault lines we built all of this on? Could it be there’s only unsatisfying responsibility left for us? The type where you fix things no one caused? The type with nowhere to direct a visceral explosion of emotion you’re not expected to own? The worst type of all?

The type that just is because we all built it this way?