I don’t disagree, I just don’t share the disbelief. A properly motivated opportunistic human is capable of a great many more things, both good and bad, than most would seem to anticipate despite repeated evidence. Shock? I’m more suprised by someone holding a door than I am by the cruelty reported in the news.

My name is Joel and I’m a paramedic. Today I’m feeling pensive. As I ponder the approach to my 6-year anniversary as a recovering paramedic I can’t stir much describeable emotion. It’s been so long it almost doesn’t seem real at times. Too long to let it go but not long enough to ride it out.

Recently the idea that I’m “triggered” by the city and not the service has become too much to ignore. I can’t stand Toronto. It makes me angry and claustrophobic. It doesn’t matter why I’m going out. The frequency of interaction dictates the severity of response. I’m constantly fighting back rage until I get where I’m going and settle myself. Even if that destination is the workplace in uniform. Even when it’s not.

My employer didn’t cause the calls. My employer didn’t choose me for the calls based on any personal investment. I was just closest and there. No, I never got debriefed. No, I was never approached about taking unpaid sick time. No, I was never personally offered counsel.

As is historical organizational individuals have been kind and helpful, and when approached the organization has been amicable and willing, but personifying it and placing emotional expectations on it hasn’t worked for me. Unfortunately the trees are all too real and the forest is the delusional construct. People. The muse of the cynical asshole.

That’s me. A cynic. That’s what they call you when you don’t believe in disbelief. That’s what they call you when you stop expecting better. That’s what they call you when you don’t play along with and respect pretension. That’s what they call you when you see them.

It all sounds so hopeless, doesn’t it? It all seems so negative and implosive, doesn’t it?

It’s not.

I spoke recently to my psycholgist about the idea of how I know how to be sick but I need to learn how to be healthy again. Loss, transition, fear, blah, blah, blah. The point is the honesty of it, approaching my reality rather than expectations or delusions, and for me the blame-the-employer-for-not-caring-more isn’t my reality. Blaming people for human nature is, and that’s proving a lot harder to unpack and process. The crutches of illness make procrastination easier.

Middle fingers for all, I can’t even PTSD normally but I’ll at least own it.

*Insert metal-as-fuck maniacal laugh here*

I will process and navigate what to do. It’s not hopeless, negative or implosive. It’s not impossible. It just is.

So until next time, stay recovered!