Well, Christmas certainly isn’t a John Hughes movie, now is it? I’m not a big fan of the holiday but it wasn’t always that way. My mother was ill and passed over the holidays when I was young. Still, I liked Christmas as a kid, but when I realized Christmas was being tolerated for my sake it happened. At that point the ugly started showing more and more and my cynicism picked up on it and ran. Commercialism, greed, disappointment, pressure, emotional expectations. All this and I don’t even care about Jesus so what am I going through this for?

Shift work. Nothing gets you out of having to participate in things you don’t like the way shift work does. Is it weird to see that as a benefit? At least they pay you a lot to work suicide & expected death day when it’s true. Then I had a son and it “shifted” some. It was fun to see him happy and amazed. Innocent. My family grew. Shiftwork was normal now though, so the holiday was never really mine. If I was off I would join whatever was happening with my wife and inlaws. My mother-in-law makes a fantastic holiday feast so why not?

I worked some, enjoyed some, then gradually started hating them again. Expense, pressure, anxiety, fear of judgement, fear of disappointing children. It’s not enjoyable at all. I let it overshadow the good once again but by this point booze helped do the rest. I came to loathe celebrating family holidays, especially the religious ones. If the sentiments are true then holiday celebrations are irrelevant. If the sentiments are not true then celebrating is even more irrelevant.

2022. Everything else concrete changes, shifts and mutates on me now so why not this? It became evident this year that I have 4 reasons to care at all, and if they’re happy, healthy and enjoying what’s happening then what more can I ask for? What else is there? If everyone is happy with what’s happening then who really needs to change?

Years gone by I would spend time on Christmas morning obsessively sending greetings to my contacts list and answering the influx of messages that generated. This year I decided I would do that after we got home and I would just be present (as much as my head allows me anyway) at my in-laws. My sister messaged me in the morning, and one friend messaged in the evening as I was sitting down, and that was it. My parents answered my email. Years past I would have been really bothered but I just keep feeling indifference. The people Christmas needed to make happy for me were. I had good company and a great meal.

Those folks on my contact list are folks I lunch with, have done therapy with, previously worked with and am closer family friends with. They’re folks whom I have never made Christmas a part of the relationship and I realized there is no point now. I’ll see everyone for the things we do share. Instead, I’m going to focus on my wife and sons for the holidays, and as far as I can tell yesterday was a great day.

So, merry boxing day!