It’s been a weird moment again. I had hernia surgery cancelled over liver problems I don’t have. My new WSIB case manager is all eager and up in this shit. Except that she’s actually really not. My anger is getting the best of me again while I’m driving. I’m ramping up my exposure therapy, going inside facilities in uniform and talking to some old familiar faces. I’m finding it easier nowadays to deal with my workplace than the world at large but it’s still very strange and surreal, familiar but aged.

I’m not sure if it’s a so-called trigger or I’m just a fucking asshole but I’m still, shall we say, “not fond” of John Q. Public. It’s breaking the golden rule of therapy though, which is people, people, people! People are great, mmmkay! My cognition seems to be crap at times again. Colouring is back in my activity list thanks to a technical execution suggestion from my wife. It never should have left the rotation but the perfectionist unfortunately became less than pleased.

I haven’t said much in a bit about it but TRE has been and still is a significant help, it’s still an integral part of my appointment routine. That said I need to do the full TRE routine more. Theme of my life. I often use the stretches on their own, especially the feet. It feels really good. I randomly tremor at times now and I don’t fight it. I let it happen. I welcome it because it’s reducing the duration of the wave. I’m not afraid of it anymore.

That over-arching feeling of doom is saying hello again. I’ve been trying to go for walks more often the last few months but I’m faltering with those too; I just don’t have the capacity for more outside input these days so I save what I have for needful things, like groceries, but it’s coincidentally gotten colder out too so that’s just easier to blame. One day I’ll have some nature to go on all the proper secluded walks that I want to.

It’s as if I’m falling into the trappings of all these things I’m supposed to have dealt with already and flushed away for good. I should know better. I sit around thinking about all the things I could be doing that help more than sitting around. I should know better. I can’t help but feel disappointed. Yes, I’m painfully aware that we all thought this was dealt with already and here it all is again. I should know better. I just don’t have the creativity to come up with a unique new problem every time I want to feel shitty. Is anything I try really going to work out if I can’t even stay better long enough after getting better to follow it through? How do I approach a linear expectation when I can only run in circles?

I still can’t even figure out if I’m supposed to be having feelings or solving them and the sequestered jury is still out.

I recently reached out to a few service dog providers and I’m speaking with someone from one of them next week about the possibility. Maybe it can help push me into broader independence and reduce my public anxieties and avoidances. Without all the therapy words maybe a dog will help me “people” more without having to have my hand held. Well, if I get one I’ll have to. That’s the point. Maybe eventually I’ll even (*gasp*) want to.

I work out a lot of negativity on here but I’m still going. Recovery is a bag of mixed nuts I’m allergic to most of but I want to be the person those I care about need so what’s a little epi among friends? Onward and upward comrades!