No. No to the hernia repair. Yes. Yes to ascites and cirrhosis. The history-of-doing-liver-transplants-at-the-General surgeon decided against the operation in the pre-op exam because he believes the “fat” or “weight” I have been trying to lose is actually fluid caused by cirrhosis given the physical exam and alcohol history.

Why not.

Obviously I’m grateful to have a doctor show such acuity in my care but I feel I’m delicately teetering emotionally, appreciation balanced by the absolute frustration and disdain I have with PTSD for being the gift that continually keeps on giving. I’ve never won anything significant in my life yet I can keep beating the odds at this shit every fucking time. Worst fanclub ever.

So now I mentally regroup and somehow muster the resolve to get through what potentially may be coming my way health-wise. I will. I’m just tired and drained in every possible way but I will. I’m lucky I have the love and support around me to be able to get through all this, and I’m also lucky it’s obviously not advanced enough to turn me the colour of a muppet (please laugh ‘cause I’m busting a gut).

Onward and upward.