So here we are. It finally hit me. How? When? It happened when everything was the same. Again.

I drove to my headquarters for my OT appointment today. It was the same old shitty drive. Same old parking lot. Same old facility perimeter. Same walk past the same parked ambulances that always seem to have the same numbers as the ones I regularly worked on. Sat at the same beat up picnic table where I wait for my OT these days. Having to get back up and walk around so I wouldn’t start crying while I waited was different.

I “toured” the administrative area of my headquarters Wednesday and the vibe most closely resembled that of a funeral home without patrons of either life status. Quiet? Yes, and I like quiet, but it was quiet because there was hardly anyone there, which is not exactly the purpose of me trying to do this. They’re apparently mostly still working from home because, y’know, covid. It’s actually not that big either. It’s offices. Where you sit. Ring ring, “hello?”, type type type. Printers. Desks. Fucking ergonomic fucking swivel chairs.

Offices.

Picnic table thoughts: what if this ends up all I can do? I struggle with the commute still; what if I can’t drive and deal with the city all day? I sat down and all I could think was that I can’t do this. I can’t sit in one of those rooms for 40 hours a week for the next 15 years. I couldn’t even sit still at the table waiting. The positivity dried up. I felt good after Wednesday but not today. Today it was a sentence, not an opportunity.