Sometimes the light is just nuanced darkness, no more illuminating than the shadows it claims not to be.

I’m a fatalist that doesn’t believe in fate.

Wait.

Elaborate.

I am everything and nothing, a value with no substance, a purpose with no goal, hyperactive impotence, flashy yet old, what am I doing if it’s not what I’m told? Who’s to say which is the real fools gold? They’re both heavy, shiny and emotionally cold.

This too shall pass. And return. And pass. And return. And pass. And return. The thing about having so-called big feelings is that not everyone around you does, and when they don’t there isn’t the same perception of experiential effect. Feelings are exhausting. Not only is there the the event but all this crap on top of it. Glad it all just melts away like night and day for you. What’s it like?

PTSD. No one wants to talk to you but you’re the asshole when you quit trying to start conversations. No one wants to touch you or be touched by you but you’re the asshole when you stop reaching out. No one wants to spend time with you and you’re ignored when you’re around but you’re the asshole when you give up and stay away. Kind of an ironic result from fighting to honour it all.

Gaslighting: when you’re being held accountable for a problem that not only predates your “contributions” to it but that wasn’t actually caused by you in the first place and will continue to exist regardless of anything you say or do. Lol. Dance monkey. Dance.

Convenience is absolute.

The return-to-work process begins. Modified that is. Apparently clinical practice in paramedicine is all or nothing, black and white. Even the spectrum is a spectrum. No training or non-emerg community work unless you’re deployable on the trucks. Whatever. I should be over that hill anyway. The yard is looking nicer this year. Grief and acceptance are not water and oil. It will all pass and return and pass again until it’s finally passed to the past for good.

Druadan Forest, Arckanum and Tomb Mold. Sometimes music just opens the soul to being okay. Happy fucking wake-and-bake Sunday or something lol. Chill and appreciate. I regret nothing. It all made me.