I look at and touch all this stuff and the knowledge is there, but to what end?

This passing weekend was the five year anniversary of my going off work injured. Today at my OT appointment I put the BVM together and while playing touch and feel I gave it a couple of real squeezes and waxed intellectual about capnography, its relation to metabolism and hence its usefulness during a VSA. What’s really been tripping me up is how when I hold equipment and talk about it with her five years dissolves. She even pointed out today that I still seem “passionate” about my knowledge. It’s surreal and it makes me cry to have to accept that despite all the time passed I still have all of this ingrained in my being but it will never serve its original purpose again.

5 years. I can’t help but snicker when I think back to how I was angry that 8 weeks at homewood didn’t work and I had to keep going. Back when you first start treatment no one dares tell you the inevitable about your career or that PTSD is permanent. That knife slowly twists itself obvious as everything unravels and you start to rebuild. Sure I know much better how to cope and I have much to still do in life but I’ll always have PTSD. That’s okay. Change is an inside job anyway.