Turn up the stereo, I can still hear, make the thoughts disappear, I’m crazy but coping, assessed and still holding but this highway I’m driving keeps twisting and sloping. How long can I go on before I’m finally done growing?

I spent a lot of time this week sanding and prepping a pair of street speakers for future staining and immediate functionality. I didn’t feel very good. I couldn’t pull myself together to do much. Feelings. Always with the fucking feelings. My wife was recently out of town for a week. I’m having a hernia surgery next week. I finished the two-part 5 hour psychological assessment WSIB wanted. Again. Despite all the logic I could possibly inject. End result: stay the course. Other end result: re-experience of everything again for the first time again. Again.

The only thing “not going into the details” saves me from is the more immediate and sudden visceral reactions.

Yes, lots of shitty calls happened. That’s the job. Yes, actually, they did have some themes, violent suicide and death come to mind. Drinking? Yes, I did get a bit “tipsy” from time to time. Drugs? Please! I mean, on occasion. Plan? Well yes, of course I had a plan. Now? Of course not. Life? I get by. My world is small but shit gets done. Work? Well, I actually hate the world at large, not my work and if I need to “people” to be healthier I’d rather be around paramedics so yeah, I’m trying to go back to do modified duties. I know I’ll never function as well as I could. I accept that. I know I’ll never do emergency response again. I accept that as well. That happening is inevitable anyway even if I’m angry from it happening to me so soon. This PTSD stuff is fucking exhausting. It’s all in my head and it’s really hard keeping it there so I can be more useful to those I care about.

I don’t know if I can do any of this. I’m sure I’m full of shit and have pretty high hopes for myself but I have to try. Giving up and not trying will definately be a self-fulfilling disappointment prophecy so try. Trust me.

The speakers are Altec model fifteens, dated January 24th 1977. Everything is original except the woofers which were already gone when I found them. They will be stained to match the shelving. The current album on the decks tonight is Ved Buens Ende’s ‘Written In Waters’, second pressing double white vinyl. That is all.