Thought I would share a glimpse of how I spoke to myself and what the OSI education was up against when I was caught in the undertow as the mental health education was starting to be given to us at work.

“Hey. Hey! HEY! YOU! Fraud in the uniform hiding in the parking lot. Doing that again I see. What is it with that? Just because you’re “tired” from being a little bitch crying about your feelings all night, all that “boo hoo bloody dead people” stuff your weak ass is always going on about doesn’t mean you abandon the night crews and let them get a late call. Get over it. Stop crying for fuck sakes and get in there, it’s pathetic and embarrassing”.

“Look. It’s time to talk again. You know, pre-shift pep-type stuff, right. Shut up. Good for you, by the way, you made it all the way here today before you started crying like a little bitch. Trying that sober thing on again, huh? How’d that go last night? They still didn’t talk to you or want you around, did they? It’s not going to work. You haven’t even done the shift yet and you’ve already decided to stop for booze on the way home. You didn’t take all those pills before either so don’t spend the shift being stupid and in denial on top of it. It’ll help you feel better. You could even book off early”.

“Look at you. Just look. Did you even look at yourself this morning after you finally got up, or like I told you to in the shower when we discussed all the blood you were standing in? For the record she dies anyway, right? Bet you ignored me and just looked down at the sink in shame once again to avoid your own stare. Hey, killer, what is it about that stare anyway lol? Whatever. Don’t look. You’re the only one it’s hidden from. They all know. You can feel it burn inside when they look or talk to you”.

“How’s the shaking today drunkie? Probably real bad since your heroics last night. Guess what? You’re still you and this is all still real! Think you can give a needle today if you have to? You won’t remember what you’re supposed to do anyway and your partner will have to cover for your stupidity and deal with it so I guess your secret is safe. Besides, would you rather look stupid once in a while or have everyone know you’re an incompetant little pussy all the time? Exactly”.

“Oh, one more thing before you go play make-believe in there, Mr Dressup. That little card from that CME you can’t remember anything from, the one you tucked in the console? With the colours, about how you’re coping? Yeah. Grow a pair. I know you’re thinking about the card. That’s not for you. That’s from the military and it’s for people going through real shit from warzones and from doing actual bad calls. It’s not for weak, pathetic loser paramedics like you that just can’t handle doing their normal jobs. Honestly. Why do you keep thinking about that anyway? Stick to the plan we worked on. No one is going to help you but you could at least have some dignity about it. Seriously. You want to prove you’re shitty to everyone else now too? What’s that going to do? Think crying about your good intentions is going to feed your family? Now get in there and book on before you let anyone else down. Since you bothered showing up try actually helping someone today, too. Sheesh”.

Imagine if we could make ourselves proud of the outcome of taking care of ourselves and each other instead of being proud of how well we all deny ourselves to appear strong, dependable and in control.