So the profundity of the last couple of days builds. Control. What a topic for a couples session with a psychologically injured first responder. Apparently having control issues is yet another concept on a fucking spectrum and yet another problem I “didn’t have”. When considered that it can be just as relevant to environment as it is interpersonally it seems like a solid problem for someone like me to have.

Oh, and it also seems that during all those “big calls” I lost it or never had it to start.

Like how I felt as a motherless kid having huge feelings in an emotionally stunted family that couldn’t admit it was hurting.

Might be important.

“Thought ya weren’t a control freak, huh? What paramedic isn’t, dumbass? Fuck, you’re just stupid and incapable of doing anything right. How many cracks can you fall through before you finally get exposed for being shit? You expect to help other people? Still? Seriously? You’re turning out to be quite a lot of “freaks”, aren’t you? Remember how you used to drink? At least you did that right for a while, but then you didn’t follow through in the end with that either. Think PTSD did this to you? Stupid. PTSD just showed you what you already were. A weak and powerless loser”.

Thanks PTSD. Once again you’re the first to respond. You’re killing us all with the hipster irony.

At least I can recognize now that the self talk is no more factual than a feeling but still just as real. I think I’m breaking again but I’m not afraid this time. Destroy and rebuild. Fuck PTSD. Just fuck.