TRE is becoming an interesting part of my life. I have been working the ‘wall sit’ into my routine more often, such as prior to drives or appointments. It’s easy and at this stage in my learning induces tremors fairly quickly. I have noticed that with concerted practice I’m increasing that second-nature aspect. I’m annoyed now when I get to my OT appointments and all the parking spots against the wall are taken. While it does eventually work I find using a vehicle harder because my whole back isn’t supported the same way. Before the appointment I like to tremor for a couple of minutes then sit back in my car and do a breathing exercise. This helps to somewhat return me to my pre-urban-nightmare-commute level of anxiety for my appointment.

My recent OT appointments have involved me getting in the back of an ambulance. It takes me a good length of time to work my way inside. I stand at the back looking in, get up on the step one foot at a time and eventually I get in. Then I swallow my tongue along with the last of the moisture in my mouth, turn and sit down on the edge of the bench, looking out, convinced that every time I lift my foot it’s sticky with drying blood. This process involves a lot of shaking from how anxious I become but a profound change I recently noted is that the anxious shaking is no longer compounding my anxiety. It has been feeling more natural rather than just being another maddening sign of lacking control. I’m still not happy about it happening in those situations because it exposes and makes obvious my distress but at the same time it is becoming normal and I understand it’s actually a coping mechanism and not just another symptom to fight. Accepting nerves of feathers in a steel world has been a hard go for me.

The theme that’s evolving is that all this isn’t going away. I’m not curing this. I can’t exorcise the demons. This is the way things are now. This is the way I am now. I’m not being apocalyptic so much as attempting to face facts. It has taken me over four years to be at a point where I can sit in the back of an ambulance and dysfunctionally tolerate it for a few minutes. Those few minutes take over 25 to prepare for. Between that and all the head doctors’ impressions it’s obvious I’m not returning to the road. The new goal that’s evolving is the desire to just be a presence in my workplace whatever that means. To be a face, to normalize the experience and symptoms. To do things like TRE and breathing exercises in public the same way a physical injury gets exercised without shame. To show that it all just is but that it can also be coped with. To show that the stigma and humiliation we normally attach is bullshit. My OT took a picture of me sitting in an ambulance at my last appointment for me to look at as homework to visualize my safety differently and to establish new mental associations. PTSD sucks but I’m not unique. This is simply the journey.