Growing up my father presented himself as staunchly opposed to all violence; turns out it wasn’t violence he was opposed to at all. He follows US politics closely with a bias that he gaslights himself from seeing despite its obviousness and at a recent visit I had the pleasure of having him tell me that the DC capital officers’ deaths were not as a result of what happened to them on January 6th this year. Beating a police officer unconscious and dragging him into a mob where people are yelling to kill him with his own weapon is “not that bad” because, well, BLM protests had riots too and officers were attacked during those too. There seems to be no concept of both being wrong. The extension of this is that I am also a first responder with PTSD. If their experiences didn’t cause their outcomes does he think that of me as well? Should I just suck it up and get back to work?

I have been minorly attacked a few times by one person while working and that was harrowing enough. I couldn’t imagine having a violent mob of hundreds do it. It would have been fucking terrifying for those officers, indeed any officer tasked with controlling a violent mob, regardless of the mobs’ or the officers’ political stripes. I could never do their job. Hats off. Treating someone medically in a mostly friendly crowd is hard enough. While I have come to realize and accept that I think everyone is full of shit politically while my father only believes liberals are I truly thought the distaste he claimed for violence and rioting bridged our gap. Not so. When white conservatives do it he can relate to their cause so it’s “not that bad”. When riots occur after instances of racism they’re stupid and hypocritical and destroying the lives of the people they’re supposedly for. When riots attacking democracy occur in the name of democracy the hypocrisy is lost and they’re deemed “not that bad” because the election was rigged and they’re angry. It’s truly impossible for him to conceive that the 60-year-old version of conservative extremism Republicans were trying to sell in 2020 may not be as popular as it once was, even if his side of the aisle has a loud minority of obnoxious people yelling their bullshit far and wide to get elected. Which is the same thing every politician wants. Not just the conservative ones. Again, they’re all full of shit.

Also after growing up and having my father tell me that wearing band logos and patches on my jacket was seen as offensive he now goes on facebook and posts covid science misinformation and BLM riot memes under the guise of “free speech” and “it’s just a joke”. The problem with the joke mentality is that it’s only a joke once you receive enough flak, even though we all know it was intended to be what it was all along: an inflammatory political comment shrouded in humour that only became a harmless joke when it was “taken the wrong way” and censored. I wasn’t misrepresenting the bands on my jacket, nor was there anything to be taken the wrong way; they just weren’t his cup of tea, much like his claims about how his “humour” is being taken. However, my criticised display came from a sense of love for and pride in what those bands stood for, not being compelled by an obligation to agitate and disagree with the other team for the sake of team politics. I still believe in metal. Now that the conservatives are facing the scrutiny for rioting and the “stop the steal” court cases are falling apart dear old Dad doesn’t seem to believe in non-violence and the court of law quite so much anymore.

One need only assess the positions the different factions are taking in relation to their historical laurels to understand just how fucked up everyone is. American conservative politicians are now forcing their will on private businesses in the form of banning public health and corporate covid mask mandates while liberals argue the businesses should be autonomous and able to make their own rules. Weren’t they both on the opposite side of that argument when the issue was serving minority and LGBTQ+ customers? 2 things that have no real safety risk to anyone but that are vehemently argued over by folks with “principles”.

I grew up with the PMRC warning stickers on records that led to major retailers refusing to stock them and reading about the Dead Kennedys being taken to court for distributing “harmful matter to minors” because of an H.R. Giger painting with penises on it inside the record sleeve. When Jello Biafra accused Tipper Gore on Oprah of purposely going after the Dead Kennedys and Alternative Tentacles records to set an example because they were perceived as a defenceless broke indie label she denied it and he pulled out the newspaper with her quoted in it saying just that. Cue commercial. However, censoring purposefully antagonizing and dangerous covid and political conspiracists, even after they’re proven wrong is, in the politikill mind, “unjust” and an affront to “freedom of speech”. So, I didn’t lie to my father growing up when I was avoiding trouble, I was just exercising my freedom of speech rights. Got it.

The CNN dude standing in front of the burning store talking about how the protest has been mostly peaceful is just as fucking stupid as Fox news showing the capitol riot while positing that it wasn’t that bad. I look at the images and videos rather than listening to the opinions. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck then it’s not “mostly peaceful” or “not that bad” it’s a fucking duck. Even if acknowledging it makes your team a bunch of fucking ducks.

I still love my father deeply and I look forward to future conversations; he is a very intelligent man. But, I’m done trying to relate to him on this level. When it reaches the point where he’s willing to dismiss my life experiences to maintain this bizarre illusion of “unbiased” knowledge about American politics I’m done. I’m not having my gas lit by the lamplighters politikill opinions about civil disobedience, protest and violent riots anymore. I should have known last spring during all the protests when my father was trying to argue that he knew more about 911 mental health calls than I did and I had to remind him my views were from 15 years of experience as a paramedic, not fox news opinions. My psychologist says I shouldn’t retort because I’m not going to change him. True. But I respond hoping the man of old is still in there somewhere. The man I took ideological cues from as a boy. The man who wouldn’t call his son’s or anyone else’s experiences with PTSD bullshit for the sake of a flimsy political argument. The man who saw all violence as wrong. The man who actually raised me. The one without the politikilled mind.