BEFORE:

I have decided while waiting and breathing in the midst of my ‘uneasy’ OT anticipation to document a before and after snapshot of my headspace. I’m staring down ambulance 896 in the parking lot. My psychologist says it’s necessary to fucking cry and have feelings in the ambulance, and judging by how it’s going already I’m going to again. My stomach is in my chest and my chest is in my throat. There are cardinals flying around today and my wife and I recently read the folklore about how they’re representative of being visited or watched over. I have never noticed cardinals here before. It’s a nice sentiment. Our new friend, a near-retirement firefighter who also has a PTSI found out this week that he’s being offered such wonderful employment options as crossing guard or parks labourer. I felt like crying when he shared that and it won’t leave my head as I sit here hoping I’m not hitting the ceiling. I’m not near retirement, I’m only a little over half way there. It’s weird to know I should keep hoping when I feel like I’m on the verge of the professionals declaring “maximum psychological recovery” but I have to remember the hope is not for yesterday. I’m listening to Ministry’s ‘Psalm 69’ as I sit and wait for the appointment to begin. New World Order. Funny how some albums just feel right to grab on the way out the door. Uncle Al had a taste for drugs too. Well, here we go. 896. One day it’s going to be a number I know because this shit doesn’t yet have enough complexity.

AFTER:

When I got home after my appointment I actually wanted to do TRE before getting stoned to turn my brain down. That’s how revolutionary TRE is for me. Imagine an addict saying something like that… As I said to our teacher this weekend one of the great things about TRE is that you don’t have to talk about calls and feelings but doing it makes me feel more like wanting to. Instead of talking and hoping to feel better feel good first, then talk. The value in this is that first responders generally don’t want to talk about and subsequently have to re-live their experiences and how they feel about them so if they know they won’t have to to feel relief more may be willing to ignore their general skepticism and give TRE a try.

TRE stops me from feeling like the stress is still happening which leaves me in a better place to mentally process what happened. When that happenstance is 5 minutes in the back of an ambulance while my brain mentally and physically terrifies me with every bad call I’ve avoided for years getting that terror response to stop so that I can talk, think and feel more evenly just seems logical. TRE interrupts the cycle, throws a wrench in the gears, hard resets, whatever analogy works. People talk of clearing their heads. TRE clears the body so you can feel straight the same way one meditates to clear the mind so they can think straight.

I feel privileged to have found the TRE elevator on the ground floor. There is true purpose revealing itself in the coming effort to bring this to my fellow first responders. Anyone really would benefit but since my area of experience is with the needs of that community that’s where I naturally take the potential. Imagine the longevity of our prized careers if we all learned healthy physical and emotional regulation as part of our initial college curriculums.

The cavalier youth in me is shaking his head but I think I’m coming to appreciate the significance of the mind, body and spirit connection.