A lot gets said about the detriments of isolation when you have a PTSI. I’m told I need human interaction, that the human psyche should crave human contact and that it needs it to get better and stay healthy. What if you never liked it? What if plumbing the depths of ignorance and stupidity for the sake of a forgettable interaction isn’t your idea of a good time? What if you’re left feeling contemptuous and disappointed at every turn, even at the ones that should be appealing? That’s not to say that I haven’t met and loved some exceptions but they’re all just that: exceptions. Exceptional. Exemplary. Not your average bears.

I’m listening to the new Nekromantheon album. I’m guessing my wife won’t be throwing this tape on anytime soon. Music was the first tool in the box. When I was really sick I stopped listening to music altogether. I just sat there and drank in silence. Over the years I had recorded many of my records and tapes onto CDs for the car and when I had to go to homewood I brought a large binder of CDs and a discman with me. I had no idea how useful those CDs would prove when I was making them. I reconnected with my hobby there. Liquor left and metal returned. I pondered many things there listening to music in the safety of their acreage, such as how I had to interact with all of the patients for the integrity of my recovery but the wealthy addicts could buy their way out of it, or how being in a “healthcare” group where medical professionals discussed all the regulatory college issues I don’t have was more appropriate than the “uniformed services” group comprised of the world I was actually familiar with because they carried guns. The firefighters are in that group too though. Well, where else are they supposed to go? That just makes sense for them. Obviously.

Anti-social music is ironically my “connection”. It always has been. It has never been going out where there are other people and it’s doubtful it’s ever going to be. It’s about as likely as my wife putting on the new Taake/Helheim split 10” I’m listening to but I suppose hope should never be lost…