“So that makes sense, right? You see why I’m putting that in there?” the CAMH psychologist asked as I was being informed there was a permanent restriction being placed on my working in “frontline paramedicine and emergency response” as she had phrased it. I politely told her it did even though I felt like she had just casually ripped my soul out of my chest through the phone. I didn’t realize that was what yesterdays assessment was ultimately about. Seems I was the only one seriously entertaining my delusions of maybe returning one day anyway. I always pictured the end being a little more noble than a dysfunctional zoom call with three mental health professionals I don’t know; I pictured it being more akin to those happy stories about medics doing a last shift with their kids after decades of dedicated service that sometimes show up in the news. I don’t think any of mine will be pining to follow in these footsteps after what they have seen and what I have put them all through and I don’t blame them one bit.

As I put it to my own psychologist afterword I always thought that designation was farther down the road and would stay there as long as I kept improving. Now I am down the road and it has been made. He agreed. Like it was obvious and always had been. Like when a kid thinks they’ll be an astronaut or a rock star. I feel a fool. But I’m not to forget my progress.

So here I am with the task of once again convincing myself I didn’t fail and it’s not due to any inadequacy, incompetency or oversensitivity on my part. I have an injury that has repeatedly tried to devestate me with addictions, symptoms and the stigmas of mental health diagnosis’, one that wants me to burn with shame any time it gets exposed. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m lost. I’m afraid. I’m tired. But I’m supposed to be.

Or maybe I’m just being ridiculous and sentimental. I don’t really know anymore. Some days it just feels like I’m not winning the battle but I have plenty to fight for and I always will. For now I’m going to have to cry a lot more because I just don’t know what else to do with everything I’m feeling right now. It’s raw and it hurts really bad and since I’m not supposed to numb my feelings I’m going to have to suck it up and spend some time with them. This too shall pass.