Tomorrow another OT appointment. Another chance to feel and share and face what hides inside. Another chance to stare down what I see in the back of the ambulance I’m looking in and take a swipe at the spell it casts over me with talking and grounding. Will it only be the jumper? Or maybe also the shooting? The car accidents too? Could add the blood clot lady. Whatever it is it’s all in my head. No one is pushing me into a blood-soaked ambulance with a dead teenager laying in it. Not in reality anyway.

I’m tired. Too many feelings. My wife has been dealing with an extended serious illness and as the psychology goes I have a difficult time coping with that because I’m afraid of her dying like my mother did. So I turn practical, defer crying and try my best to keep our home running. I have tried being more open to those feelings this time, letting the fear, helplessness and sadness of watching a loved one suffer happen. I’m not numb. I sometimes wish I could be lately but I know it isn’t the right thing to do and everything is still wrong after I have so there’s no point and I might as well face things.

Tomorrow I’ll keep going forward. I’m seeing the hard work of dealing with feelings pay off. I’m glad my wife and I have been sharing what we’re going through and leaning into each other again. I’m scared but I’m not alone. That’s what I’m grateful for today. The darkness is no match for that.