My OT took some vacation time so I’m currently tasked with homework: watch videos of the inside and outside of the cab of an ambulance. Prep work for getting in one next week. Maybe. There have been occasions where “feelings” negated something (that’s where gentle me explains the reaction is part of my injury while angry me calls me a fucking useless piece of shit for wussing out again). Anyway, doing that got me all bothered this morning so I decided to drive around afterword visiting thrift shops. I don’t think I could have found any more ambulances even if I followed one back to the nest. It was a busy day. Supposedly that’s desireable for my recovery. Doesn’t feel very desireable.

______________________________________

Watched my homework videos again today like a good pupil. Got some cleaning done with the ‘boost of energy’ that provided. The calls are not to be forgotten but rather worked through, the work being to be cool despite feelings. Every time a call is conjured so too are the intense emotions that go with it, as if every time is the call happening for the first time and forcing me to feel over and over what I should have felt back then. The feelings are teaching me a lesson for thinking I was beyond having to entertain them. Since forgetting got to be harder than remembering this is the way things are. Sometimes I still feel angry and depressed that I have to. Some days all the emotions are suffocating. Some days there are no feelings and life seems a million miles away. Some days there’s nothing to do about it but vacuum and sweep and get on with life. Once again I faced it. Scratch and dent paramedics can still find purpose.