I’m only interested in doing things I’m good at. So much meaning with so few words. So what. Words don’t impress anyone. It’s hard constantly trying to distract myself from being me. Some days I feel like I’m performing for an empty theater where the show must go on even though I’m disgusted with myself for not bringing in an audience. When can I redeem my loyalty points? The fine print says at the exact moment the wet paint sign becomes a lie. One day I’ll honour the pain instead of the honour. Take another good look through me. The only change is that I think I’ve changed and the prospects of that making any difference are grim. Turns out the functional years were actually the anomoly.

A lot of people have asked me for a reason not to kill themselves over the years. Once I realized my credentials I began telling those people that the only answer they would believe was their own. She kept apologizing. Even in death she couldn’t escape feeling a burden. She had cut her left wrist open the proper way and did it in the bathtub to not make a mess. She had a barely palpable pulse but she was still somehow conscious and apologizing. Over and over. The tub was full. I guess she figured drowning was a good backup for blood loss.

I remember visiting my sister in a hospital psychiatric ward with my parents when I was eight. This was after the years of appointments with social workers and what not. Dead mothers are a real mindfuck. It was a theme of my childhood that I not end up like my sister. My stepmother stressed this point on many occasions. I didn’t understand what she truly meant until I was older. When I fell apart it was hard admitting to them I had. I had to have my wife finally tell them. Turns out I’m delicate too, it just took me longer to blossom. I guess not screwing up for a while gave me a free pass.

There’s a global pandemic changing society in ways we have yet to realize. The feeling of chaos is familiar. Am I a freak for missing that atmosphere and wanting to be a part of the response? Why am I driven to want to help a world I was never really an accepted part of? Now that isolating is helpful one would think I would be in all my glory. Crazy.