It’s a joke without a punchline so I can’t even laugh. Time hurts. Time hasn’t proven a thing. Time is always better spent. I only wanted to be worth it. I’m told what’s happening doesn’t matter when there’s words. Why am I not supposed to feel the truth? Is it really that preposterous? Nothing I do changes anything. Nothing I say changes anything. It’s significant and emotional and symbolizes wonderful things yet I’m not supposed to feel anything negative from its absence. Why can’t I just accept the significance and not care at the same time? I’m just a stupid man, that’s why.

I can hear the ambulance idling in the driveway next door. I knew it was there before I got up from bed to check. The lights danced around the bedroom as it backed into their driveway. Timing is everything. Now come the tears. I’m so sick of crying about everything. Can’t I just lay awake in bed thinking without the insult to “injury”? It doesn’t sound urgent so hopefully the neighbours are okay.

I’m not supposed to expect things to change, I’m just supposed to keep trying to change them. Life is showing re-runs. Try to act surprised.

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I was told growing up I had a bad attitude. If expecting the world to live up to its end of the bargain is a bad attitude then I guess it’s true. But that’s the thing. The world doesn’t owe me shit. I’m just the kid keeping score in a game being played for fun. Cynicism. My favourite late-night indulgence.