I’m listening to Less Than Jake. I was re-wiring the stereo in the basement this morning after cleaning off the TV and shelving yesterday. The right channel on the receiver blew. Second amp in as many weeks. Apparently an Offspring tape at moderate volume is quite the destructor. Nothing appears to have overheated when I opened it up to have a gander, but the cooling fan was not coming on either. I do have a back-up receiver but the subwoofer output on it emits a very audible hum. The hunt is once again on.

All this was in the hopes of distracting myself from thinking about tomorrow, which is take your kids to work day. My 14 year old is not interested in a first responder career anyway. It’s not that that’s getting to me, it’s that I was proud of what I used to be able to do and now that the time has come I can’t show that to him. Instead tomorrow I can offer him ‘keeping it together in the grocery store’, driving without getting sweaty palms and shaking, picking up medication I shouldn’t be ashamed of having to take and an appointment with my psychologist.

It’s not sitting on the couch in silence and darkness drinking nor is it crying and having panic attacks. It’s not making excuses for why I’m home when I should be at work. It’s not yelling and slamming doors over little things. It’s not pacing around in an unfocused agitated state. It’s not making myself the common denominator and giving up.

So what is it?

The truth. This is it. Seeing how far I can go while being okay with never getting past where I am. My old friend “try”. Everyone else around me is growing up. I’m getting tired.

I’m going to finish listening to Danzig and get on with the day. This is how it all played out. What else is there to do? Sometimes an amp just blows.