I went grocery shopping with my 6 year old today. I had my hippie stink on and I had him to worry about, so I managed pretty well. Getting out the door before that was another matter. The trip out had multiple false starts. Get the list, sit back down. Get the bags, sit back down. Get my wallet, sit back down. Put on the hippie stink, sit back down. Put on my shoes, sit back down. I visualize what I’ll be doing. I prep the calm, cool exterior. Walk past the basement door 6 or 7 times before finally calling my son up to get ready, and we’re good. I probably spent just as much time ‘getting ready’ as I did actually in the store.

This is the point where I have a choice to make. Do I tell myself I did a great job or do I tell myself that I’m a loser for hesitating to leave and it’s about fucking time I did something useful?

I’m fighting the negative inner dialogue. The one that tries to tell me I’m not worth the effort and that I’m a loser for being off work. I’m a disappointment. I’m a shitty father and a shitty husband and a shitty paramedic. I’m weak. I’m a failure. I’m an embarrassment. I’m not doing enough to get better. I should be further along in my recovery.

I’m done listening to it. The negative reinforcement isn’t helping me. Things have to start somewhere. As long as what I’m doing is never good enough I’m stuck. The start line is not the finish line. It’s time for me to praise what I can do a little more, and stop ruminating on what I can’t do (yet) far less often. Something may not always be everything but it will always be better than nothing.