I feel like I talked about nothing with my psychologist today. Nothing of consequence anyway. I admit I didn’t challenge myself to poke at anything uncomfortable. It’s not as if it wasn’t there to be poked. I just didn’t have the guts. I struggle with how many of the calls that have stayed with me don’t seem like the ones that should have. For me they’re not all the obvious extreme, gruesome situations everyone pictures when you declare yourself a paramedic. It’s the humanity that gets injected back into the situation when there are relatives or friends present for the sudden tragedy. The 27 year old MI during dinner with friends; the 14 year old finding his code 5 father hanging above the stairs; the 12 year old girl whose mother died in the car accident they were just in; the eyes of those that cared when they realized nothing more could be done.

Tomorrow evening I will be seeing a dead body for the first time since being off work. Brother-in-laws father died. As my psychologist pointed out it won’t be a bloodied or bloated mess, it will have make-up but it’s a body all the same. I’m afraid of the associations my mind will be making. Instead of discussing having to face death I said 2 things, clammed up and talked frivolously. My mind has been conjuring up death since I left his office.

High on that list has been Jean. Jean was a 60ish year old woman who was staying with her daughter after hip surgery. She had been having quite a bit of pain and had been in bed for a few days. We were called to her daughters house around 3 am because the pain had worsened and she was unable to sleep. We couldn’t fit the stretcher into the bedroom so I said we should fore-and-aft her to the hall. I sat her straight up. Got into position. Lift. She went unconscious in my arms as we were carrying her out to the stretcher. I lied to her daughter and said she had probably passed out from the pain. My partner checked for a pulse again as we were heading for the front door. It was gone. It stayed gone.

Part_Two

I brought up my apprehension around seeing a dead body with my wife after she returned home and she informed me he had actually been cremated. Relief. Now all I have to do is get through the emotion. Grief is powerful. I don’t feel solid like I once thought myself but I also don’t have a role to play here. Presence is all. I don’t have to be anything else.