My intention was not to come across as disingenuous. I’m trying to catch up taking baby steps. Every change has a beginning that’s rarely frustration-free. All I can do is compare this to where I was. It isn’t nothing, but it feels close to it sometimes. What to do then…

Yesterday my family and I had a picnic for dinner. We went to a park down by the lake. The air was cooler, and it was quiet (urban quiet). Something we should do more often. Today we went to visit my sister and brother-in-law. Between the distance and my isolating we don’t see each other much. Years ago when I started working I rented her basement and we saw each other all the time. Then I moved out. Then they moved away. It was a long drive there today, heavy traffic pretty much the whole way. I had my hippie stink and I got through it. For a while there I didn’t think I would ever find confidence behind the wheel again. The mind can still run, such as when we passed an ambulance today, but I’m definately better at controlling the physical symptoms lately (it helps when the truck isn’t from my service). I’ll take it. Seeing a lit up ambulance and keeping my cool while driving is tangible progress.

Working in a large urban area driving could sometimes be more stressful than the call itself. I knew what to do on scene, but traffic, weather and construction I had no control over. My mind had a constantly evolving map of the fastest and smoothest routes to each hospital from all directions. I knew where the bumps and potholes were. I knew where the streetcar tracks were uneven. I knew where traffic tended to clump. I knew what roads sucked in the snow. I also knew that many hospitals had their own version of an ‘add insult to injury’ bump/crack/pothole at the driveway that needed to be navigated gently. Most of the time was just going with the flow, but when it mattered the streets could be your enemy. I’m lucky and thankful I was never in an accident. I avoided many somehow. It sucks with an unbelted partner in the back trying to do shit. It also sucks to be that partner in the back and suddenly go flying into the net, or worse.

Still, I miss it too. It could also be a fun part of the job. There’s something about responding to a call lights and siren that could invigorate the monotony of a straight-forward day. A dose of excitement. It was satisfying to pass rows of cars stuck in traffic, drive on highway shoulders and make everyone stop so I could go through a red light or make a normally illegal turn. It was like the ultimate revenge for all the times I was stuck like that in my personal vehicle. It was having to run it to the hospital with a true emergency where the fun became serious and stressful.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to ‘run it’ again, but I’ll always remember getting to. Lately when I see an ambulance I have been trying to flip the thoughts to positive ones, like the thrill of being a young paramedic and getting to do cool things like that. It’s a lot harder to instinctively recollect those times but it doesn’t hurt to try. What’s the worst that happens? I don’t spiral down a dark hole in my head?