I had my OT and psychologist appointments today. I also did the grocery shopping by myself afterword. I was so strung during that I broke speed records and I was dripping sweat by the time I was finished. But I got through it. Alas I ponder… My psychologist thinks that I should stop consuming marijuana every day. He’s not against it in general, he just doesn’t feel it’s specifically doing me any good. I have used too much too often for too long. I don’t get any of the benefits of using it anymore. I’m only being dulled and depressed. My conclusions: I’m not experiencing my emotions enough. If I allowed myself to feel the awful things more it might lessen their intensity. I should be strong enough to cope with everything my brain does to me. I put an incredible amount of stress on my marriage and family, I was diagnosed with mental illnesses, I lost my autonomy and I may have lost my career but it’s the pot that’s depressing me. Putting the cynicism and frustration aside for a second I have to face the honest answer to a hard question. Am I avoiding myself with weed? I once told myself I would stop if that was the case. I don’t want to feel the way I do without it all the time. Which means I’m avoiding with it. So what? It’s time to stop? Am I really back to having to yet again tell myself to just suck it up and deal with it? Because there’s nothing depressing about that scenario. Two years ago I faced the world without weed for 9 weeks while I was in rehab. I didn’t go back to using it because that experience went well. Knowing that can abstinence really be the answer now? Should I try to embrace the magnificent magical kingdom of total sobriety once more? I’m hiding my hesitancy behind sarcasm. I don’t picture improving that drastically, if at all. Truthfully I picture being even more depressed because on top of everything else I wouldn’t have the relief of weed available. I have a lot of thinking to do on this one.