Today was okay. I had a session with the marriage counsellor where we explored me changing long-held beliefs and my concept of what I am in control of and responsible for (I’m still sorting that conversation out). I went grocery shopping with my wife. I attended my monthly support group. I even put gas in the car pre-emptively instead of avoiding the added complication of stopping for it. All good things. But where is my mind going this evening? Down the dark path of thinking poorly of myself for being off work. Sometimes it feels ridiculous and incredibly self-indulgent to be off work because of my feelings. Who am I to just walk away from my responsibilities to entertain this hippy-dippy wellness bullshit? I should have sucked it up and stayed at work. These things start playing in my mind. I ruminate on calls, playing them over in my head while telling myself I should have been strong enough to deal with it. I do everything I can to convince myself I am weak and that I should be ashamed of myself. I’m recognizing that I’m doing this and working towards correcting it. Mental illness has a strange way of making you believe things of yourself that you would never hold true of a friend or relative in the same situation. No one else is to blame for their PTSD. No one else should feel like less of a person for having it. No one else is weak for having it. Yet I tell myself I am those things over and over. That dialogue is so automatic simply recognizing it is progress for me. How do you learn to stop trusting what you tell yourself? By telling yourself the truth. If I can tell myself I am injured when I’m calling myself weak I begin to stop trusting the negative self talk. Needing help with an injury is not weakness. An injury cannot be predicted and prevented. An injury is not shameful. Seems obvious but when I’m feeling the sting of shame and I’m mocking myself for being sick I don’t always see it that way. Sometimes I need outside help. I mentioned changing long-held beliefs today. I’m not who I thought I was. I can’t continue to deny who I know I am. I’m waiting for a change only I can make. Today was okay. Tomorrow will be too. I might struggle and call myself a piece of shit because of it but I’m realizing that I don’t have to take that from myself anymore.