I’m just not engaged enough with life. I do stuff, but without a meaningful mood boost in the moment I find continuing to engage difficult. I keep trying to get into a gym routine for example, but I just can’t get into the rhythm. I don’t enjoy working out and more importantly I don’t leave feeling any better than when I got there. So I give up on it. My psychologist keeps extolling the virtues of exercise, I know in theory that doing some will help me, but practically that doesn’t keep me going. In other words all I’m doing is avoiding. Facing mental illness is difficult. It tells you that no matter what you do it won’t help you feel better, and it backs itself up by proving that with a lack of instant gratification whenever it is challenged. My psychologist likens it to a physical injury. It takes time and persistence to build strength back up after an injury. But it’s easier and less painful to avoid that strengthening. It’s not that I don’t want to get better. I want to avoid the mental and physical pain involved in getting better. Skip that step. I would love nothing more than to get out of bed one day and see it all behind me as I gather my uniform and head off to work. But it’s not happening that way. I just have to suck it up and deal with it, rhetoric I have said to myself many times in many different contexts. So what am I supposed to engage in? What can I do out there? What can captivate me so well that I’m willing to challenge the anxiety and depression to participate in it? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not at a point where I can see life beyond EMS yet. Back before my breakdown when I wasn’t working I led a fairly low-key life of puttering around the house with trips out grocery shopping and an occasional visit to a friend. I’m now afraid of going out, especially alone. I admit it. I avoid it as much as I can. I’m afraid of having a full-blown panic attack. I stutter and have trouble finding words when I get really anxious. I sweat. I fidget. I shake. It’s humiliating and I don’t want to have to go through it in public. I do okay during simple outings nowadays, going out on my own to a store a few times, and I have even managed to do some lengthy drives, but the discomfort is still there. The anxiety over the anxiety is still there. I have appointments with my OT at a large mall, and we work on functioning around people. The mall itself isn’t overly busy when we meet, but we go to the places where it is busy, like the food court or the apple store (which always seems to have a disproportionate number of shoppers in it). I take a grounding stone with me and I fidget with it in my sweaty hand. I’m facing every challenge she has given me. I have to say I’m coping better with the mall than I was doing exposure to my headquarters and close-up to ambulances. But it’s exhausting. It’s also only one hour a week. And the OT is there, figuratively holding my hand. How do I get the confidence back to go more places alone and be able to approach people? If I had that what would I even do? I’m afraid of getting to know new people outside of the recovery community because I’m still embarassed about my mental illnesses. I know, shame on me. Stigma exists and I don’t think I have the strength to face it yet if confronted. So I avoid putting myself in that position. Our marriage coach says that life happens in vulnerability. This whole entry started with me not being engaged enough in life. My psychologist tells me that I can’t wait to feel motivated to start doing things. I can’t wait to feel comfortable. Maybe it is time to just suck it up and deal with it (see what I mean?). All I have to do is figure out what “it” is.