Today I got up, put on some coveralls and did a bunch of yard work. I wasn’t feeling the greatest. I had had a shitty nights sleep and the ‘you’re a shitty person’ self talk was in full swing. I drank some coffee and I dragged my ass outside anyway. My wife pointed out that I did quite a bit today when I was still down on myself afterword. Some days I can get a lot done and it does little to lift my mood. Anyway, my wife and I had a talk yesterday about how I have been saying very little again the last few days. When I’m struggling I often become convinced I am a burden and I keep quiet. I’m working on doing a better job of communicating with my wife but I still seem to go through these phases anyway. Everything is going ok, then I start struggling, and I keep it to myself not wanting to bother my wife with it. She knows I’m doing this anyway and feels shut out. We end up talking and crying through it then I start the cycle over again. The problem I have is that in the moment staying quiet about whatever I’m going through makes total sense in my head. How many times can I tell her that I’m replaying the same shit in my head or feeling anxious about nothing? How many times can I tell her I’m feeling afraid, or sad, or frustrated? After what I have put her through these past few years it feels like I’m just adding to the pile. But the thing is she wants to hear about it. She feels alone when I stop sharing. She loves me as I love her, and wants to be a part of helping me get better. I literally owe her my life. I get down on myself for not being a better me in return. She reminds me that I’m sick and I need to be gentler on myself. All I have to do is keep trying. That’s what she needs from me. Today trying was the yard work. Tomorrow maybe trying won’t be anything more than getting out of bed. My psychologist tells me that in order to be motivated to do things I have to start doing things regardless of feeling like it or not. I’m not engaged enough. Recovery is painful. I’m tired of feeling like crap so I have to do stuff while feeling like crap to stop feeling like crap. Simple, right? But then that little voice says “what’s the use? You already blew your career”. I battle that voice all the time. PTSD convinces you that it’s your fault you have it, that you deserve the outcome. Nothing you can do will change the failure. At least that’s what it does to me. It’s hard to not trust that inner voice. It’s the same one that kept me safe at work. It’s the same one that told me my spouse was special all those years ago when I met her. It’s that same voice that has helped me navigate life, and now that I’m sick it tries to tear me down. I am my own worst enemy. All I can do is try to correct that. I’m happy I got the yard work done. I’m not a shitty person. I’m lucky that I have plenty of reasons to keep trying. If I get up tomorrow I’m already doing better than I could be, so for now that will be my next goal. That and letting my wife know my thoughts more often. Even the unpleasant ones.